"tooly" <***@bellsouth.net> wrote in message news:2vWIg.firstname.lastname@example.org...
Post by tooly Post by tooly
Life simply is not fair. And no, Jackson is not another Mozart...but he
might have the natural leanings of his father, say what? No disrespect to
the achievements of others [Murdicks a publish author for example...no small
accomplishment itself regardless of what the reviews say, ha]...but just
trying to pin down the crotchety dispostion others have toward Jackson.
see no disrespect in Jackson, or I'd chime in too [critique yes..but not
One more thing...and I'm gonna say this though I'll regret it. I read a
great deal of the posts in this newsgroup...and someone asked recently who
has benefited from this group. I can categorically say my CG has improved
immensely since finding this newsgroup. It has led me to resources I
didn't know existed, and before I was a baffoon wandering in near total
darkness...and now I'm a baffoon at least walking in daylight.
But as far as the posters on this newsgroup...I find just about every
personality here likeable...intelligent and civil and probably very smart
and refined and probably also talented [CG is not the easiest instrument
to take up]. Even when I know people highly disagree with my views (and I
with theirs), I still find a great civility here...and nothing that I'd
take affront to. Even if I were Jackson...the barbs are more funny than
Except for one poster. Che. He's the only guy here that I'm pretty sure
I would not like to be a friend to if I ever met him in real life. I do
not sense a good spirit there I'm afraid. Oh...a club member here for
sure..and people will stick up for him...shun outsiders like me of course.
He's the one guy here I don't really like. The ONLY one. And I'm sure he
is a great CGist.
Dont worry though...I'm just a lurker who visits very seldom here...easily
ignored; though I read a lot here.<
Curious as to your personality I did a little reseach into your post on
other newsgroups. It appears you post to a number of NG's with the same
poor me, wounded, shallow weepies. You mention your disconnectedness in
your message attached to the bottom of this page.
Most good players have a purpose driven life, to play well. Those guitar
player's, as you've described yourself, who have no central purpose in their
life fall prey to petty worries, fears, troubles, and the self-pitying
aimlessness you decribe in your post below. If you are looking for a friend
buy a puppy or a kitten. If you want to have your feelings trumped on...
post a classic pity-party passive-aggressive ruse on RMCG.
Che' ( who wants weak an ineffectual friends?)
Find complete thread at: http://tinyurl.com/fsqeo
For years I have been trying to figure out my family on my mother's side.
Each and every member of that family was burdened with what can only be
described as 'extreme shyness'. I have an aunt for example, who
continunally backs away as you talk to her and I've seen her actually back
right out of a room supposedly having a converstation. When young, I
remember all my aunts and uncles [they were teens then] actually 'run' to
the back of the house whenever someone knocked on the front door. These are
superficial behaviors of maladies that go far deeper and can only be
recognized and understood over years as something deeper than simple
'shyness' [everyone probably has some streak of that]...and I have become
convinced something genetic going on. In my family, it is a horrible malady
and no one has turned out well [happy; most of us are very miserable in
fact], though those who have entered artistic fields of endeavor have been
able to find some small success in life. I had one cousin who played lead
guitar for a nationally acclaimed band back in the 80's for example. Most
of us however, are more like one of my uncles who turned out to be a
horribly addicted alcoholic all his life. Me? I seek night shifts and work
far below my capacity because I simply cannot handle the stress of political
roughhousing in the workplace...and thusly am miserable.
It is something very observable to varying degrees in EVERY single member of
that family...including myself as metioned.
The abuses I've felt all my life are hard to describe to someone else. A
person's spiritual hide [if I might call it that] is important...and I've
known people who are hardly 'touched' at all for the exact things that
literally destroy someone like myself. I tried for years to justify this as
some sort of virtue in the family, for there was nothing most of the members
wouldn't do for others. Generosity, hospitality, kindness...it is said WE
as a group will gladly give the shirts off our back to total strangers. But
the justification fails in time when one observes the pure misery we exist
under. We soon feel stilted because no one ever gives the shirt back, ha.
The world is a hard place and hard bark is necessary...a 'fit' for the
environment. Waiting for your turn in line is a luxury afforded only the
most affluent richer folk who do not starve of human warmth. For most of the
world, to survive well, one must be willing to fight...to sell ice cubes to
eskimoes, and empathy is a hinderence [ask any WWII GI Joe...a Kraut had to
be a Kraut...or else, it was your butt ending up being wiped off the
ground]. The family I was born into as a rule...does not fit...and that
cannot be considered 'virtuous' for sake of the weakness behind our acts.
Anyway, the idea of 'shyness' has been a major major preponderance in life
for me...trying to understand what went wrong; why all this suffering? I'm
not sure I have any answers, but I do recognize it is deeper than something
learned. There is a genetic disposition to it. For some odd reason, I feel
kinship to the dutch painter Vincent van Gogh..as I have read his story
anyway. He cared deeply, was sensitive...but deeply disturbed for the
suffering he experienced. I think he loved deeply...and could never
understand why such depth could not be recieved in the world with simple
graciousness. It seems people go out of their way to hurt you if you show
any sign of weakness...and, well...perhaps that is DNA struggling to keep a
quality control about things. I dunno. Hesitation, such that shyness as
they call it promotes in behavior, is perhaps weakness in the eyes of the
tigers of the world; the predatory nature that must express itself or else,
the prey's reality becomes one's host. Falling in love with prostitutes is
perhaps not the wisest thing of course, LOL [refering back to van gogh].
What is weird, I feel 'advantaged' in some way...not in the shyness which is
definitely weakness and a disadvantage...but more in how I 'feel' about
things and how easy it is to 'care' about the simplest things. But it's a
horrible malady in a world of fangs and claw I'm afraid. And I'm male...and
NOT gay...and very traditional. Imagine how hard that hat is to wear.
To compensate for my complete aloneness [I do have a great father however],
I have entertained what I call 'alternative egos' in my mind...a borderline
schizophrenia. I don't like the restrictions others put upon me. For
instance, I absolutely detest that we are identified in this world by our
job. To me, that has nothing to do with what I am. But, that's how we are
seen nonetheless. In my supposed schizophrenia, I can experience life
'freer'...I can be as my heart was intended. I can FEEL, perhaps
artifically in my imagination, some sense of worth or purpose that society
of course dismisses altogether.
Ah...the world calls you to order quick enough though and hard reality is
thrown on you like a bucket of water on a fire. Most of my waking hours is
spent in pure hellish misery having to pay homage to everyone elses
'imagination' while mine, so glorius in their paltry light [ha...truely;
they all seem to see themselves as so small and insignificant...to me just
robots following along in ruts made by many feet, not their own]...well, I
Anyway, some of the things you were writing here sort of rung some bells in
my head. BTW, I don't 'feel' crazy...or schizoid...or even shy for that
matter. I feel deeply...do not have much of a bark for protection I'm
afraid. It makes me weak in one sense as I have mentioned; like one of
those bubble boys, I have to be guarded in my human relationships. But I
also feel life's direction is toward higher awareness...not lesser...and
that means, in time, greater empathy, and not less. Those dullards making
today's rules and regulations and definitions might be seen as the true
inferiors [if there is such a thing] on the scope of future time. Already I
see a rising empathy in today's youth...though they seem misguided in a kind
of shallowness. Jackson talks of 'moral relativism'...and today's youth,
though with increased empathy, seems all to willing to absolve personal
responsibility in that relativism...and enter into debachery and shallow
decadence all to easy [although, kids are caring more about each other].
Anyway, something to think about perhaps that maybe, just maybe, the world
misjudges those like yourself...who I see as profound in the way you see
things [and I'm sure others do as well; remember Publius...he admired you
remember]...and just because one does not fit the 'static molds' of
"scientism's" rationality [Jackson taught me that term...look it up], well
perhaps you are far more the victim than you realize...like that song, a
caged bird not allowed to sing as her rightful nature would otherwise have
produced [you mention that mental health institutions are not human
friendly...because I imagine they no longer see the mentally ill as
human...but miscreants]. In the first place, who is the one 'ILL'? Brain
scan looks different because perhaps you ARE different. What a horrid
thought to consider that science has only one way to see human existence and
to model us like we construct our new 'cookie cutter' housing developments;
pure futile monotony. Your capacity to love is perhaps greater [just a guess
on my part]...and if so, that might make "them" (the new world rational
authorities), at least 'small' in their understanding.
1 From: tooly - view profile
Date: Thurs, Feb 9 2006 11:26 am
Email: "tooly" <***@bellsouth.net>
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I'm in a shit mood just now, so who gives a fuck. You know...you've
there I'm sure.
So, all my little life pet peeves are cropping up today, and I'm
how shitty this existence is.
Most of my adult life, I've yearned simply for someone to play
I was never all that good you see. I'm poor or
dunno. So, I've tried to record myself doing Bach Duets, or Carulli
guitar pieces, or something of Scarlatti transcribed...and come back
play over. That sucks. I cheat like hell too...slowing the
down, changing pitch, clipping in pieces at a time. I know I
pieces...but I was the only teacher I ever knew; which means I'm
I suppose. But I never wanted to do anything spectaclar
'enjoy' the music. Just to have someone to play with...that sounds
dipshit weak I know...but you don't know what it is to be
I dunno. I don't know one single damned 'other' classical
Just feel lucky if any of you are connected. Just having someone to
with, or for...that makes all the difference in life you see. And
you may even be studying this stuff at major institutions...'wholly'
connected; a part of something.